WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
