you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
