I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
