were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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