please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize