Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
