The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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