never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
