You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize