Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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