I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
