Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
