Yo dont text me then not text me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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