i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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