Whod you bang
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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