how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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