You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
