I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
