Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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