someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
