i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
