Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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