you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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