i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
