I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize