The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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