why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
