Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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