yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
