My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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