i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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