Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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