he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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