Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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