i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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