Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
