Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize