My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
