i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize