You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
