I'm really into asian looking animals
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
