I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
