I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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