i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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