A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You ate ashes out of my bong
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
