stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
