I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
