anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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