Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
