Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
