What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
