any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
