Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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