Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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