I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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