He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
