my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
