is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She bit a glass in half.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
