do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
