Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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