Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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