this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize