Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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