mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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