youre lurking in front of me
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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