I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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