my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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