I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
His hands were made for my vagina.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
