I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
