just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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