I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
