the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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